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There are two types of difficult people:
- Constructive: These people are difficult because they care too much about their work, their organisation, etc. and are frustrated and disappointed by some lack of improvement or excellence.
- Toxic: These people are difficult because they are narcissistic, irrational, or are bullies. They care only for their own ego. They may initially appear delightful.
We can tell the two apart by listening to what they say and watching what they do.
- The constructive difficult person who cares too much will talk/complain about issues that related to improving their work or their organisation. In spite of the curmudgeon mien, they will nonetheless be doing their jobs and working for the wellbeing of the organisation.
- The toxic narcissist will speak marvellous and often very moving words of service, innovation, and excellence. Their actions will primarily be about furthering their ego. They will avoid work that has poor PR optics, in favour of those that make them look good.
It is possible and often productive to put in the effort and work with the first type. They have useful insights and passion that can be leveraged. We can do this with rapport-building tools such as empathy (See Tools of Connection post), and with the authentic desire to understand their perspective and to help ease their situation.
The second type of difficult people can be downright dangerous. These are the narcissistic psychopaths. Their disordered personality makes them irrational, manipulative, vindictive, and unpredictable. They only care about their ego and winning at all costs. There is no way to work with them, or engage productively with them. The only consistent advice (from my own experience and the experience of other business and mental health professionals) is to sever all contact and build impenetrable boundaries to avoid being drawn back into their web.
Read related posts:
- Two types of difficult people
- Tools of connection
- Burn that bridge (Tools of disconnection)
