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It is generally accepted wisdom that one should never burn one’s bridges. But sometimes, it is critical to our wellbeing and future success to do precisely that.
All of these are true:
- We can learn from a terrible situation; transform crap into diamonds.
- We can forgive those who have created or contributed to a dreadful situation.
- Sometimes, we must cut some people off from our lives completely.
Some difficult people – the toxic kind of difficult people – have no redeeming value worth investing our energy in. (See Two types of difficult people.) This is the only time where seeking togetherness and collaboration will result in us paying a very high price. There is no way to say this that does not sound exaggerated or dramatic.
I have experienced toxic people first hand. And I have discussed this with numerous experienced business people and mental health professionals. The once consistent advice is to leave these people. Sever all contact. Build impenetrable walls to avoid being drawn back into their manipulative webs.
Anyone can be a toxic difficult person. They can be an employer, employee, colleague, business partner, vendor, or client. It can even be a business, such as one with products designed to lock you in, or one that uses gaslighting techniques to avoid accountability.
Toxic difficult people display key characteristics that make it impossible to genuinely connect with them on an equal and equitable standing.
Narcissistic
They are not self aware, caught up on their ego, insecure, and fearful. They are the best. They are always right. They demand absolute unquestioning loyalty. Everything they do must be celebrated as the best. They must have accolades and everyone’s undying gratitude.
They are vindictive and manipulative. They will pull out all stops to destroy their enemies, even if they themselves are damaged in the process.
There's is no win-win. There is only win for them and lose for everyone else. They are unable to balance their viewpoints and needs with others’. To them, compromise is for losers; winners are the ones who dominate everyone else. It is just about impossible to negotiate with a narcissist.
Irrational
Their narcissistic personality makes them irrational. This goes beyond the minor broken thinking and illogical decisions we all make everyday. We are talking about serious irrationality that can call a circle a square and make one plus one equal five.
You can be their best buddy one day, and their worst enemy the next. Sometimes for no rational or discernible reason.
When someone is irrational, we will not be able to find a stable foundation to base discussions and negotiations on. We cannot agree on anything. Or if we did, that agreement will change again on their whim. They do not have stable worldviews or life philosophies to base decisions on. Every decision is driven by in-the-moment reactions.
Unpredictable
They act in unpredictable ways. They change their position on everything. They can loudly champion a cause today, then do something completely opposite to the cause the next.
They can lie without believing they are lying. They will justify their actions with flimsy excuses and lies. And these excuses and lies will change as soon as it suits them. This is shifting sands writ Sahara-sized.
The only consistent thing about them is their inconsistencies. Their constant shifting sand positions make them untrustworthy and unreliable.
Destructive
They are inherently destructive. Even as they work hard to build-up their status, their paranoia and fear will drive them to destroy what they are building. They engage in reckless actions such as lying about inconsequential and obvious things.
Similarly they are driven to destroy the very projects and businesses they are involved in. The people and projects they profess to “love” one day will inevitably become ones they “know nothing about and had never liked” the next. They are willing to burn their house down to spite their enemies. This makes them impossible to out-manipulate.
All you need to do is look into their work history. The real history, not the carefully-managed version on their LinkedIn profile. You will find a series of unfinished or broken relationships and ventures. They will have no long-term business partnerships or professional relationships, ones that go beyond a couple of years.
While reconciliation and forgiveness are admirable, these will not change them. They welcome these as challenges, to keep you hooked and subject to their machinations.
There is only one way out. We have to burn the bridge and build that wall. And the consistent advice I keep hearing is to do this as soon as you can. Cut your losses. Run.
They will not change. They cannot be made to change. And as long as they can manipulate and exploit us, they will hang around to blight our days. Because of the personality characteristics, they will always “win.” This is all a game to them. And we are the ones paying the price.
Read related posts:
- Two types of difficult people
- Tools of connection
- Burn that bridge (Tools of disconnection)
