Hands connecting puzzle pieces
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Here are some tools for working with difficult people – the constructive kind of difficult people. See Two types of difficult people.

These tools are also useful for online and in-person discussions, especially on emotionally-loaded topics like politics, and in uncertain times like the current COVID-19 pandemic. Where there is pervasive stress and fear, patience and critical thinking will be in shorter supply.

It is not possible to explain these tools in great detail here, or provide exhaustive examples. Hopefully, this teaser will inspire you to pursue you own research and learning.

Foundation of authenticity

An authentic approach is critical. These tools cannot be applied successfully unless we genuinely approach the difficult person with the desire to connect and understand. Without this authenticity, the tools will come across as cynical manipulation.

Build rapport

We need to earn their trust by demonstrating that we are open to their concerns and ideas. Listening is the key to building rapport. This can be really hard to do because most of us are not used to listening. We often listen to plan our response, instead of listening to understand.
Listening to someone helps them, unsurprisingly, to feel heard and validated. Similarly, we take care not to dismiss or belittle their concerns.

Echoing or matching their language use, when it is comfortable for you to be doing so, sends a powerful message that you are actively listening to them. language. Sometimes things are fucked!

Many, if not most, people never experience a concentrated period of being listened to. This act alone is sometimes enough to bring a difficult person around.

Time is needed to build rapport. I have never regretted investing time in a (constructive) difficult person.

Seek understanding

When someone is frustrated, angry, annoyed, or scared, their behaviour can make us comfortable and defensive. It takes mindful effort to step out of our defensive reactions, so we can focus on listening beyond their surface affects and understanding what they are actually saying.

We can listen without immediate judgement/evaluation on the spot, no matter how much we feel like we have to correct them. There is seldom a shortage of time for evaluation. In relationship-building, time set aside for understanding is gold.

Try and avoid telling them to stop complaining. Some complaints that initially present as trivial can have deeper and important roots. Delving deeper can reveal insights.

Identify and reinforce agreements

Agreement from others is a powerful validation. Validation contributes to our sense of safety. When we feel safe, we are more willing to open up and engage with other people, new frames of thinking, and alternate ideas.

Where their perception of a situation is true, regardless of how negatively and dismissively they may be expressing it, I will simply agree.

I look for agreement even in the smallest, most inconsequential of things. The more often I can say “yes, I agree” the more positive the relationship becomes.

And no, saying “yes, but…” does not count as agreement!

But we don’t always agree on everything. Disagreements can still be positive when handled sensitively. Even within disagreements, we can find points of agreement.

Judicious delivery of information

We need to take care when communicating what we need to communicate. As this is not therapy, it is not possible to make this all about the other person. We have information and positions we need to communicate to the difficult person. And some of this information will add to their frustration and fear.

I tend to focus on the previous steps first which will inform how I can best translate the information I need to impart. This is to make the information most relevant to their concerns, and to minimise triggering their fears.

Manage emotions

Emotional management is not emotional support.
Unless we are working in a therapeutic setting, providing emotional support is outside of the scope of our job roles.

Emotional management is a useful skill to have even when we are not working with a difficult person. Essentially it involves being aware of different emotional states, identifying emotions, being able to separate the emotional from the logical states, and the willingness to name and confront these states. We need to do this both for ourselves and the other person.

When someone is upset, naming the exact emotions helps. Is it anger? Frustrations? Annoyance? Is it dislike or hate?

Part of managing emotions is also naming behaviours that are targeted at us personally. “You are angry about this situation, and you appear to be blaming me for it. Help me understand how I am actually responsible for this? If I am not the responsible party, who is? Is it even a person?”


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