I have been pondering this for a while now: Why is it that the older I get the less I get to do what I “want”, and the more I seem have to do what I “should”?

Just when I have finally assembled a somewhat decent carpet bag of knowledge, experience, skills, nous and resources – ready with the stuff to engage more broadly and deeply with the world, I get hit with this almighty, fear-driven, lump of “responsibility” to play it safe – I need a single well-trodden safe path to commit to (don’t even think of trying alternate careers), I need a stable well-paying job to hang on to, I need to finish that MBA, make more money, buy a few properties (so I can be safe), and god-forbid set up a retirement plan.

The problem is, I DON’T WANT to do any of these things!

The smell of limitations, of settling, of trading an interesting life for a (possibly) safer existence. I’d rather die.

So why am I buying into these shoulds? And wasting energy on agonising about not doing them, or telling myself why I should do them? Too much input. Well meaning, caring, with-my-best-interests-at-heart input. I am good at listening to all viewpoints and perspectives. But I am less good at keeping them from transforming into the shoulds that drown out my own truth, my own wants. Especially when they seem to make so much rational sense.

To live a life that is true to myself, MY voice must have the highest priority. So simple. Yet so hard to do.

I need to give up trying to control the future. All the over-rationalisation and over-thinking that stops me giving myself what I know I want. If anything in the last 20 years are to go by, change is constant – the world in five years will be unlike anything any of us have ever seen before. End-gaming is a problem with me – planning for the unplannable.

I can only manifest what I want right now. Go with the flow. Without the judgements. I only want to buy into projects that interest me whole-heartedly and whole-headedly.

It IS as simple as Yes and No – and no Maybes!

Maximise serendipity. Opportunities for the unexpected and the magical. Maximise agency. Self direction, self determination, living by my rules. This is the only control I have over life.

Sounds pretty good to me! It has taken a while to come back to this level of clarity.

Now to make it happen…